I’m going to be super super honest with you guys and that’s ..

I’m going to be super super honest with you guys and that’s incredibly hard for me. A bit of a trigger warning I suppose. I don’t know mentally what’s going on with me, but I know it’s not super great. I’m at a horrible low point? I cry when I wake up and cry when I go to sleep. I’m just.. having a hard time I guess. It’s super hard to do things without family. Without having parents you can call up and go have dinner with. Or people just to support you in general. A group of friends? I didn’t have the best childhood or teenage hood. In fact I didn’t really have one at all. I was in and out of mental hospitals due to abuse from home and me trying to not be on this earth anymore. It’s all kind of just hitting me harder than I thought it would in my early twenties. My hearts aching and my heads hurting. I can’t properly look into mirrors without my head flooding full of mean things about myself. I’m relapsing into my eating disorder because I’ve gained a few pounds in recovery but it’s so visibly noticeable for me. I can see it in my cheek bones. My life is surrounded by numbers. TikTok is a number, insta is a number, onlyfans is a number, Twitter is a number, my weight is a number. If I made a single dollar less than I did yesterday, onlyfans gives me red marks saying my statistics are down and I’m doing bad, which I’m not. I’m doing great. It’s just how analytics work but with that being said, it takes a toll on the human brain. I’ve become so overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do anymore. But I need to put this out there so you guys know if I’m a bit dry, this is why. , I work so so so much that I’ve been hitting a burn out harder than I’ve ever had. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I love working, but I’m on my phone working 15-17 hours a day. My life is work, I barely have any down time to just.. breathe. I guess that’s where burnout comes into play. I’m going to be getting a therapist to try to get through some of this, but it’s terrifying to seek help when my past experiences weren’t the best in that department. I have a friend from Oklahoma I used to room with coming to stay with me for five days hopefully 20-25th to hopefully help me with some stuff. Maybe it’ll help me. But as of right now I just needed you know me on a personal level instead of just a sexual one. I’m crying while typing this, and I’m sorry if this seems like a pity party because it’s not. I’m just broken and I’m trying to fix me.